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Deal Breaker

Yes, I’m getting a divorce.

No, it’s not fixable.

Yes, I asked for counseling for 3 years.

Then?  The Deal Breaker.

Now….I can’t really divulge the Deal Breaker.  It was a Deal Breaker straight out of the gate.  Then?  The rest of the chips fell, making me not even DOUBT that it was a deal breaker.

I thought, for some years,  ”yep, my marriage is crap” and “yep, it is what it is”.  I was willing to be sad, abandoned, un-loved…..until?  The Deal Breaker.

The Deal Breaker was shocking.  The Deal Breaker was crazy.  The subsequent LONG list of Deal Breakers AFTER?  Even disturbing….that someone could be that way, and I had no idea.  That someone would hurt me like that…with a long list of Deal Breakers.  Someone I loved….and thought was my best friend.

I just thought I had a crap marriage — not a Deal Breaker.

But…the Deal Breaker hit the fan.  And?  For about 2.6 seconds?  Sheer relief.  Sheer understanding.  Sheer — Deal Breaker.

The Deal?  The Vows?  Broken…not by me.  I stayed the course.

And…that tiny brief breath of a moment?  Calm.

I did all I could….I didn’t know the Deal Breaker.  Actually – The Deal BREAKERS…that have come down the pike.

And?  It isn’t on me.  NOT.   ABOUT.   ME.   NOT.  REGARDING.   ME.   NOT.   NOT.    NOT.

Choices….he made Deal Breaking misleading choices.

Me?  Stayed true to the agreement of marriage.  True.

And?  Thank you to the Deal Breaker.  I would have stayed, in crap marriage, for a lifetime.  For my boys.  For my boys -  crap marriage wasn’t a Deal Breaker.  It was “look away worthy”….for my Gingers.

Deal Breaker, Thank You, for making me see the light.  For giving me 20/20 hindsight.  To see what and who he is.  To see he never loved me.  Never.  To see he never cared.  Never. Because people that do all these Deal Breakers, don’t have the capacity for that.  They just use for what they want and need in life.  And move onto the next thing.

Deal Breaker — I’m glad we met.

Love,

Hatefully Estranged Joy

New Day

Well, I don’t wake up, see new things and have “shock and awe”.

I have “well, that’s just GREAT”.
And sometimes?  I chuckle.  And sometimes?  I still cry.

At idiocy.
At choices that are incredibly ridiculous.
At making connections to people that are clearly not real.  Clearly.
At not being able to handle simple things.
At having no idea what the world is.
At the unimaginable things done.
At the fact that someone never loved you.  Really loved you.  As you did them.  They perhaps hated you.
At the idea that some don’t have to be accountable for their actions.
At the fallacy of a life.
At selfishness.
At the fact they will never own it.  Never.

And?  You chuckle, cry, shake your head, stare into space just…..don’t get it.

Why?  Because your values were never like that.  You thought you had similar values.  Ideals.  Goals.

But you didn’t….

And you know what?  It’s ok now.  Because?  I haven’t compromised my truth.  My ideals.  My dreams.  My future.

I just have to make it my own.

I was already doing that……anyway.  I was already alone…….and didn’t even know.  Alone isn’t scary.  Alone is soothing.

And that?  Brings this Ginger some mighty powerful thoughts.  Mighty powerful plans.  Mighty lofty goals for her boys and herself.

Because?  She is still the same person.  And won’t be broken by the one that she thought she knew for 26 years.

I won’t…because?  I’m stronger than that.  I’m a force.  And that force will prove herself.

Love,
Pulling my chin up…one day at a time

Laundry, cleaning, rinse, repeat

I want to have LAZY SUNDAY.  I really do…boys think we are.  Because?  I’m refusing to leave the house.  But?  That doesn’t ‘mean’ lazy Sunday.

Laundry, clean rooms, dishes, laundry, cleaning carpets, laundry, give kitten medicine, get these toys away from me, laundry.

It’s an amazing day – in the 80s.  Boys in and out.  Dogs in and out.  Cat wishing for in and out.

Laundry.

Maybe I sat on the deck.  Maybe.

Maybe I caught up on some work, because I took Friday off.  Maybe.

Maybe I did a little Facebook.  Maybe.

Maybe I’m blogging.  Well, that’s obvious.

Laundry…..dryer went off.  Washer went off.

And?  I’m blogging….not about divorce, but laundry.

Maybe I’ll blog on the deck.  Where I can’t hear the laundry.

Love,
I hate laundry